if you read any of my posts - you'll smile at this...I am bad, but not this bad

Something to lighten your day!!!

Hope you aren't spelling challenged!

Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.

Something to Lighten the Mood!!!

1. Two girls walk into a building...........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
‘What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night

Lazy Sunday?

Well, I hark back to my new years resolutions - I maybe able to tick off a few now (i have found a new house: VERY EXCITING - I am currently trying to sell my stuff on Gumtree - any takers?), and after the weekend - I maybe off the shelf of life...at least for the moment.

Issues dating someone younger:
1) I need at least 8 hours sleep - they, generally do not -
2) full of youthful enthusiasm - I am generally not...
3) the look of money is totally different - I have rent/bills/rowing/etc to pay for - they generally pay rent to their parents.
4) Being ID in pubs - an issue - even if it is hilarious...
5) ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm there are lots of benefits tho...

I have retyped and reworked my CV so I may fulfil all my NYR by the end of March - now that would be a good year!

Jealous? Much?

I am not actually seeing anyone..although I maybe dating someone - so I like to think I am sitting on the very edge of the shelf of life. But every since I announced to a couple of friends I keep getting various mixed messages from Friend A. Friend A has implied on many occasions that we "Hook Up" (But if you have been reading my blog - meaningless sex) - and I have stated that "I am ready to actually play at this whole relationship thing." Which didnt go down well with Friend A - who keep referring to our sexual tension...apparently (I am yet to fully see what Friend A means). No apparently does not mean NO!

We were conversing last night - I was explaining that I am now on date 3 with this person, and so I am not wanting or looking for "hook ups" (again please refer to my previous post). They're reply "but you're not actually dating", which of course is right - I am not actually dating (but when do you go past the dating stage to the BF/GF stage - this transitions has puzzled me for quite a number of years, as i failed to make that transition on a number of occasions) and the reply "well plenty of time then" - plenty of time for what? So i rolled over and went to sleep...

Do people become more attractive the more unattainable they get - or has society just changed so that casual hook up are seen as acceptable? mmmm not wholly convinced - I like the fact that the person I am seeing does not have someone else in each port.

A bit of comedy

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living.


All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,
captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him about his father.


"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them
sleep with him."


The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.


"No" said Billy,

"He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

Subject: Senior moment - A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.
A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

Jokes?

What do you call a good Aussie batmans?? - Retired

What is the definition of optimism? - An Aussie opening batmans putting sun bloc on...

ASHES - from the BBC!!! - EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Sydney, New South Wales
Not many parties start at 11.57 on a Friday morning and end without tears. This one will.
Knowing with certainty that England were going to wrap up the Ashes with their third crushing win of the series did not make the denouement one tiny bit less sweet. When Chris Tremlett's fast, bouncing delivery cannoned off the bottom edge of Michael Beer's bat and splattered his stumps, it was the cue for scenes of English delight and delirium unprecedented at this august old sporting theatre.
Tremlett, a giant of a man, disappeared under a bouncing scrum of team-mates clutching souvenir stumps. All around the boundary, English supporters cavorted and sang. The batsman sighed, grimaced at his partner Steve Smith and turned for the pavilion.
They say you can't beat the feeling of sinking the first Beer of the day. Thousands of England fans are currently doing their best to prove that old theory wrong.

England won by an innings and 83 runs. Some had hoped for a series win down under. Others had feared the usual sound thumping. No-one expected anything as comprehensive as this.

Anderson takes a catch in the deep to remove Siddle to the delight of the Barmy Army. Photo: Getty
It was as if every ex-pat in the country had decided to be there. Beaches, backpacker dorms and Bondi bars were emptied, this corner of a foreign field for once entirely England.
The happy hordes had begun arriving at the ground hours before the start of play, splashing through the early morning puddles and queuing patiently while others piled up behind them.
The playlist was eclectic. The party-goers warmed up with Jerusalem and God Save the Queen, kicked on with Rule Britannia and Swing Low and then let rip with The Lion Sleeps Tonight, the theme from Rocky and that rather saucy version of Waltzing Matilda.
No incident was too inconsequential to cheer, no opportunity spurned for mockery of the vanquished Aussies. Monty Panesar came out to practise his fielding and was greeted like an all-conquering prize fighter. Alastair Cook saved a single to roars almost as loud as those that met his century. Mitchell Johnson was briefly spotted on the Australian balcony, heard the unfortunate song about his action starting up and swiftly went back in.
Showers briefly delayed the inevitable. So did a frantic, boy-on-burning-deck half century from Steve Smith. No-one minded. Nothing was going to rain on this parade.
Peter Siddle was the first to go, slogging Graeme Swann to James Anderson in the deep. Ben Hilfenhaus was next, edging Anderson behind for Matt Prior's record-breaking 23th catch of the series.
There were almost mixed emotions for some. Much as they wanted it to be over, they also wanted it to carry on. It's been a long wait. Why end the entertainment so soon?
Just in time to spotlight the celebrations, the sun broke through the clouds. Barmy Army bugler Billy Cooper sounded the Last Post. A few seconds later, Tremlett broke through Beer's defences and England's most comprehensive Ashes victory of the modern era was complete.
There should be something slightly ridiculous about a grown man trying to lift the smallest trophy in sport, let alone someone who has forearms like hams. Andrew Strauss looked like he could deal with it.
As fountains of red and silver glitter exploded on either side, the skipper and his team-mates bellowed at the blue skies above and let all the emotion and exhaustion of the last six weeks escape.
"To win the Ashes here in style will be something which will live long in my memory," admitted Strauss afterwards, jogging a valedictory lap of honour around the boundary. "It's been an amazing tour. I'm very, very proud of what we've done."

England's heroes, urn in hand, revel in the historic victory. Photo: AP
Alastair Cook, man of the match and indisputably player of the series, looked a little stunned. "An amazing day, and an amazing seven weeks," he said, shaking his head. "If someone had told me I could do this I'd have laughed in their face. I think it's going to take me a while to get over this."
The contrast with their old rivals could not have been greater. Michael Clarke's men had woken to newspaper headlines declaring them 'Our worst XI' and 'the woeful Saggy Greens', and the sombre looks on their faces as they watched England waving delightedly from the podium suggested the day had only got worse.
It has been a dismal summer for the Australian cricket team, a slow descent into the sort of hellish hole that England touring teams on previous Ashes trips knew only too well.
They hadn't lost three Tests at home in 22 years, not since the last hurrah of Viv Richards' all-conquering West Indies side. They hadn't lost by an innings on Australian soil for 17, but have now done so three times in four weeks.
On an individual level it's almost worse. Captain Ricky Ponting averaged 13. Their three spinners between them took just four wickets for 556 runs. Vice-captain Clarke averaged less than Swann, England's number eight.
The England supporters dancing in the grandstands were in no mood to commiserate. Too many could remember the scenes four years ago, when Shane Warne was chaired round the field and Matthew Hayden, Justin Langer and Glenn McGrath basked in the righteous glory of a 5-0 whitewash.
Friday was not so much the revenge as the new reality. There's still no party like an SCG-club party. It's just that the names on the guest-list are rather different.
Men in full-length bear-suits did the Sprinkler. Others pulled on home-made paper masks of a pouting Ponting with tears drawn on his face. One chap brandished a cut-out cardboard urn with the words "Job done" written across it in large letters. If the inscription was a little pithier than the original, it was just as apt.
Paul Collingwood, given the honour of leading out the England team on his final day as a Test cricketer, was one of the last to leave the outfield. "Today is absolute number one," he beamed. "It's a special, special day.
"This is why we play the game, to savour moments like this. It doesn't get any better."

PONDERISMS for 2011

     

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement..

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a  bushfire, but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat
the next thing that comes out of its  arse. '

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The age gap?! - how old is too old? and how young is too young?

How long is a piece of string? For some people, two or three years gap is more than enough to deal with. For others, 20 years is manageable.

Ultimately, the ‘optimal’ age gap boils down to the level of emotional maturity on both sides. Just as there are 40-year-olds going on 60, there are plenty of 40-going on 20′s. The ideal would be that you are emotionally younger than your years and he is older. When I mean ‘emotional maturity’, I don’t mean behaving like a 12 year old, throwing tantrums when you’re old enough to know better. More the way you approach your life – with the zest and vigour of your younger peers, or the meandering ponderance of someone older.

At different ages we are all at different times in our life where the age difference may be more or less compatible. For example, think back to how different you were at 17 and 27. Yet you were probably less different at 37, than at 27, and this too, plays a part in the ongoing success of your relationship with a younger man/woman.

The rule (whose origins remain unclear) states that the definition of a ‘socially acceptable’ age gap is ‘half your age, plus seven.’ Unless ‘he’ is foreign, in which case, it’s half your age, plus five! So, if you are 40, a man/woman of 27 is fair game, if you are 50, that age rises to 32.

Of course, with these kind of rules, I have to question who decided this was the ‘rule’ and what was their intention? Was it (as I suspect) intended for older men looking to justify their relationship with a younger woman?  Is is a sensible guide, or a load of old toss? How young is too young?

what are your thoughts???

speech issues...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-12116320

The King's speech - the new film out (which I want to go and see, if anyone is up to accompany me)...It looks really good...and I can definitely relate to the inability to speak in public. I hark back to my school years when we had to read our passages in our GCSE book - mine was Silas Marner (which is the most lousy and poorly written book that I have ever read - and put me off reading for a good number of years) - my inability to speak was so acute that my teacher had to stop me and say "thanks - ummmm that will do, maybe you should read to yourself." or another example being a history report when I had to recite about the battle of Stalingrad in front of my peers - ended up sweating, turning red and shaking and missed so many of my lines/words (which I had written down) that it made no sense and I got a C - (knob!!!)

I get so nervous, I start gibbering absolute talkish...but now that my ego is the size of a small African Country I am much much better at talking aloud/speeches and well - I do love the sound of my own voice!!!

other news???

A friend got a free bottle of Bollinger Champagne from a complete randomer in the street - no question asked, he just doesn't drink and gave it away - so, that man has restored my faith in humanity...(but I have to ask the question - why do things like that always happen to other people..not that I am jealous, well I am)

New year...update...

Well, its 4 days in and 2011 is looking 10x better than 2010.

Resolutions\;
New house - Check...moving in with a friend
New Job - not quite...that is now work in progress
New Other half - again work in progress (but things are looking better)
Lose 5kg - that is working well-ish - i am currently munching on loads of rice cakes - tastes a bit like of cardboard, even with layers of humus it still tastes bad...WHY???

Date last Sunday...

a few classic lines - but generally, it went well - but mental note for next time - the Holocaust exhibition at the imperial war museum is not the greatest place for dating - doesn't really set the mood that well...oops! - but it went well - the fact that they are still txting me, which is a good thing...surely...something will go wrong soon I am sure...

Other notes - I had a friend round for dinner and my little house couldn't cope with the extra power needed to entertain - i had two fuses blow out on me - instead of two storage heaters and a fan heater - i am now down to one little fan heater...both heaters blew out on me...well only 7 weeks to go :)